Calling in my dream home Pt. 1

What started with manifesting, moved through admitting low self-esteem and ended it ritual and commitment to confidence.

The word manifesting actually gives me the cringe. I find it being used too often in a self absorbed way. Where a person completely dismisses the overarching and intricately woven web of life, the threads being pulled on different sides and things happening not only for our own pleasure (which of course is still very much granted and rightfully so) but for a multitude of reasons, involving a plentitude of people. Not just one and their will.

Nonetheless, I am also fascinated by manifesting and totally trust in the magic of synchronicities.

I heard and was part of so many stories and real life happenings, that I not only belief but know it is possible to make magic real.

Yet, there is something in me that resists claiming this power for myself. Particularly concerning my home situation.

Maybe because the one time I actually declared that I would live in a certain house right next to the Glastonbury Abbey; I actually fell in love with the owner, moved in and got cheated on five months later.

Now, this also led to me connecting with my now partner and gorgeous father of our son, so all good and divinely guided in the end, but also another proof that not everything turns out the way we want it to be or think it will happen.

Because we often do not really know what we truly want. As in need to want. As in: whats good for us, our evolution, our family, our community and our environment. Again: an overarching intricately woven web of the world.

Which had me manipulate my own manifesting journey: by not even starting.

Picture by Alexandrina Fleming of us in front of the St.Margaret Chapel, a place of prayer which for me started my untangling of blockages and around finding a home and settling in Glastonbury.

My Manifestation Map

I know about vision maps, writing lists, creating a pinterest board, doing meditations with all senses and all that jazz. But I kept distracting myself, procrastinating - I avoided taking time for the real core of manifestation.

Why? What was blocking me? Why get in my own way?

Because I wasn´t clear on where I was going. What my actual destination was. Due to being confused, feeling blocked and not clear with what I truly want.

The house to settle in? But where? In a landscape, that I don´t desire but with a community I love? Or far away from friends and family but in nature that keeps me sane?

Not settling because we should make use of our online businesses and that we only have one child so far and not just three? Travel and live adventurously?

So many options, and I don´t trust myself deciding, which is best for me and my family right now.

What I do know however, is what I do not want.

And therefor I started this journey with saying no to compromises. And bare with me, because I love a good compromise. But I lean towards overcompromising, people pleasing and not stating my actual truth but the already compromised thought based on assumptions what others would want. I usually already am in a compromise before it is even being arranged. which makes me end up in compromised compromises.

And it´s time to break that cycle.

Here is some context:

We have to move out by the first of November and I have put out inquiries and posts in community groups and the local notice board (in addition to telling friends and applying with state agencies).

Two weeks ago I got privately contacted by a landlady who is looking for caring tenants for her property until she is able to sell it (due to the current market, everyone kept under bidding her and so she changed her approach).

On the first look it ticked many boxes:

• The big window doors leading out to the backyard.

• Enough storage: an attic and a cupboard underneath the staircase (hello, Harry Potter vibe! But do we really want to move into the Dursley´s house when we are dreaming about Hogwarts?).

• The east facing window in the bedroom with view to the St.Michaels Tower on Glastonbury Tor (not a view to the Tor though, which is what I actually wanted, unobstructed sight onto natures beautiful green hills and curves).

• A bathroom with bathtub and quaint but sweet tiles, plenty of space to put our handmade soaps, bath oils, salts and candles on - and high enough so Fynn couldn´t easily reach for those things and plop them in the bathwater.

When I was honest with myself, my first thought upon entering was, how muddy it would be in winter to drag the buggy through the tight hallway, leave stains on the carpet floor and cushions (we love floor living and sit on pillows around our low table) and how the buggy wouldn´t fit next to the hoover into the storage spot.

The kitchen surfaces looked tatty and not good quality material was used. The upstairs windows couldn´t be locked (oh hello, climbing toddler nightmare), the bedroom faced the street, probably loud at times as just around the high street.

The office window faced out the back, but in general a very dark room, and both rooms really were too small. I would prefer one room which was the size of both combined instead of two rooms that feel like I am being boxed in.

The one thing that I envisioned was the tall window doors leading out to the back, yet they did not - like in my vision - lead to grassy green but a stone and pebble backyard (Fynn´s joking hazard), ending with a high grey wall. hm.

The price was above our budget but below what the landlady would desire to get. A loose-loose situation, really.

Yet I was so tempted first to make it right, to imagine how cosy it would be in winter, which rooms we would decorate how, romanticising the closeness to town, when actually we just heard of the EMF radiance on the church tower next to it.

And because I did not write a list beforehand, my mind could trick me into bending my wishes.

I did not write one, because I did not want to be too arrogant, or to entitled.

I did not want to tell the universe exactly how it “should” look like because I thought it might not be the best turn out for us, and that my limited thinking might block us from finding a home that is perfect.

This is how I stepped into my own way, blocking the path.

And I started recognising why.

No trust in myself. Fear of doing it wrong, not believing in what I want is right, or allowed, or good.

Lack of confidence and self worth.

No value for my desires. Insecurity about my true desire.

With too much knowledge comes too much doubt I find. The more perspectives I look at, the more I start to mistrust my intuition. Because I can talk myself out of every angle.

Hence why I finally wrote a list. not expecting every point to be ticked off but to have it black on white.

And I am sharing this list with you. Which is facing a major fear: that of failure.

What if I share my dreams and they don´t come true?

What if I believe in magic and it wont happen?

How embarrassing.

But I know that won´t be the case, because even if this project dream house fails, our journey wont.

Magic will happen nonetheless, just not in the way I can foresee it now.

Continued in Pt. 2, coming out next week

photograph by Alexandrina Fleming with Sean, Fynn and me in front of the St.Margaret Chapel whilst co-facilitating an Avalon tour through Glastonbury.