Calling in my dream home Pt.2

An honest look at what I want.

We turned down two more places.

Both were above our budget. one was too big and only a short term. The other one looked fantastic, was the right amount of space and ticked 9 out of 18 points of the list. That is 50%. But my gut feeling said no. Very hard to decline, do I trust my intuition?

And now, one week after sitting with my list, I start to doubt again. Is this all too much I am asking for? What if we are not meant to get it all?

Or what if we are meant to get it, just not here, but somewhere else?

Should I accept a place that comes pretty close to my wishes but is above the budget? Because I should trust in the financial flow which will inevitably come?

Or should I refuse and stand firm with my pricing wish? Which honestly is - again - a compromised compromise. Because I chose the rationally still acceptable lowest number. Not my optimal number. Nor my “down the line, when we got regular monthly income” number.

What is this block of admitting my preferred outcome, honestly, frankly, vulnerably?

I know it won´t be perfect, but that doesn´t make the wish of perfection wrong either. Why though is it, that I can´t admit my ideal? To myself?

I had to recognise that a big part was, that my actual ideal is to move to Scotland. Friends of mine know that this is my dream, even since before living in Iceland. Iceland actually felt like my preparation for Scotland.

Me in Iceland, spring 2017. I lived there back and forth until 2019. Big exhilaration and spirit home. Where I drove Landrovers through highland rivers and hiked up volcanic earth. Where friends still store my shoe spikes and wool jumpers in their attic until my return. Where Wioleta Ludwig took photographs, one still my instagram profile. Where my journey with Cacao began (also thanks to Wioleta, you gem!) and artist Samantha Shay introduced me to Reclaiming Witchcraft. Where the elements burst my heart open and had me face anxiety and bliss. Where I smelled air that reminded me of Ireland and Damien Rice showed me how to use image capture on my mac in the coffee shop. Where I enjoyed winter despite dark days. Where the night lights dance in colours and hot springs bubble forth in nature.

Glastonbury was supposed to be my stop over.

But I was afraid. I was afraid to make the move when I had the chance to do so.

I didn´t trust myself.

And now, that I finally know people, made more connections in my dream destination and have the courage to go and it doesn´t even feel like I need courage anymore, but just the next logical step - I am not alone. And I have my beloveds to consider. A partner, that has family here and has not planned to move 8 hours away. Which I have, I already moved across an ocean. And a son, who loves my friends here and benefits from the great alternative community.

Recognising this helped.

I got hung up in dreams of times gone by, and future destinations not yet to be reached. I see it clearly now: I have to ask myself what I want, present tense - not wanted nor will want, nor may want.

What do I desire here and now?

What is it that I energetically, emotionally, mentally and physically want?

And take away the flowing rivers and waterfalls (which are my eternal calling), that are the external fulfilment, I ask myself: what is it internally that I need and want now?

It is spaciousness, calmness.

Time to study, work, rest and play.

I envision it like this:

A space to create in, be creative, sing loudly, make a colourful mess and bake deliciously smelling cakes and christmas cookies.

A cosy nest with cushions and rugs on wooden flooring, a fire (or lots of candles and central heating, girl gotta stay open to affordability xD), late morning and afternoon sunshine.

Early evening moon light and a walk to the park. Nearby playgrounds and playmates, dog and cat sitting for friends.

A routine.

Rituals and baths. My books everywhere to grab one wherever a pause opens the possibility for a read.

An altar and an office space for Sean and myself to prepare, expand and ground our businesses.

A bright and spacious living room, with an inviting kitchen.

Here in Glastonbury, with grandma Woody and uncle Ryan around the corner.

Weekly Cacao Ceremonies, monthly community gatherings and friends over for cuddles and playtime.

I want to spent late mornings in the Abbey watching Fynn walk and greet the trees. I want silent moments at the Chalice Well and sacred pilgrimages up Wearyall Hill.

These are are all visions already lived. But I want more. To anchor them into a feeling of settlement. A sense of homemaking and no urgency to find solutions for the next move.

I want to make plans.

Schedule retreats for next year to bring people here.

I want to take part in local cultural events when we start to shift from Mama only bedtime to papa evenings and early nights.

I want to take part in a workshop by local potter Eddie (pictures of his mugs and fantastic glazings below).

I have good friends up in Scotland who we love visiting. And every time we are there and sleep in their bedding, Sean remarks how lovely it is to smell their home scent.

When we come back it still lingers on our clothes and we wonder:

What will our home fragrance be like?

Will our friends return to their home, hanging up their cloaks and cuddle up on the couch in our smell? Reminiscing about a beautiful time spent together?

Fynn´s milky breath, Sean´s incense and my herbal and flowery oils creating a unique family fragrance? In a home that smells like beeswax candles, apple crumble and cacao.

Scotland Fam

Is this dream too big and unrealistic in a place such high on demand? A place where so many want to move to?

I used to be the one, that didn´t want to live here but found housing. Now I wish to stay and struggle to find a place that lives up to my standards - which really come down to no mould and feeling of spaciousness and some sunlight in winter. During pregnancy and after birth we lived in a one bed flat with only north facing windows to the busy road, bad quality materials, boxed in bedroom, and mold. But we still loved our main living/kitchen room, made it beautiful, sacred even.

Like I wrote in part 1, I am good in compromising, but now I feel it is time to believe in what I want. Because it does exist, I know it has come true for others. So why not for us?

Yet there is this fear of failure, this fear of wanting too much, of missing a good opportunity because I wasn´t humble enough.

I have seen lists of others with less financial means than me, getting suggestions after suggestions and still wait for something better. Incredible, totally foreign to me. The big take away from these conversations was to really stay firm in your desire, being grateful at possibilities, even if they are not for you and go for the feeling.

Knowing which points on the list don´t have to be ticked, because they are actually not a need.

And here I struggle to listen honestly within myself. Which are the boxes that I would or should be willing to let go off?

The spring water access (yes, to be honest that was me being bold, “lets go in all magic”, just to break my over-humble “stay small” kinda style) or the price?

Because I have savings and trust money will flow easier again after a period of stagnation.

Or should I insist on an affordable rent that reflect our current bank account but renounce a bright space?

What I know is that I don´t need two bedrooms and hence applied for a 1-bed flat in our budget only to be rejected because the state agency declares it too small of a family of three.

So here I am, facing my fear of “failure” by actually sharing my list with you.

In trust and confidence of what I want is what I deserve and we can celebrate together when it comes true, or compare the list and you might help me have faith and continue to trust in moments of shaking doubt.

This is very vulnerable for me but through the years of my work with ceremonial cacao and Avalon I got pretty good at facing my blockages, shadows and stepping towards the discomfort, throwing myself into the arms of the monster, to befriend it and transform my emotional knots into flowing rivers of magic.

Again, this is my ideal. I am happy to take whatever is possible. I don´t try to have too high expectations just to have a reason to fuck off and move to Scotland. I dealt with this inner part of mine. I actually embracing staying here. AND I have seen fantastic places, so hidden, so unexpected, that I know it all is possible. Just a matter of timing, connections and trust.

LIST

• spacious living room and kitchen

• spacious & bright bedroom

• south, east & west facing windows

• south facing window door out to grassy garden

• bathtub with ledge

• inbuilt wardrobe

• attic or/and basement for storage and/or cabin

• spring water access on property

• £900/month including bills or less

• views over the levels and/or Tor/Wearyall Hill/Chalice Hill

• warm, central heating, gas stove

• no mould

• great reception/wifi options

• shelves on the walls (allowed), painting /allowed)

• lovely, supportive, kind neighbours

• nearby playground

• beautiful walks directly from house

• walk to town (with cut through paths to avoid main road)

Since this list was written, I went over it with Sean and we added some bits, such as minimum 6 months stay. And I probably should edit, that if it is over our budget I wanna ask life, god, goddess, source, the universe for an increase of sign ups for my Avalon Immersion Course and/or Cacao Facilitator Training - and have financial means from my in person ceremonies, tours and Sean´s work coming through.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments:

Have you written a dream home/job/partner LIST before?

Has it come into material manifestation?

What were the compromises you had to make?

In my next article I will be writing about the energetics of manifesting, practical rituals I did and what I truly think about giving it up to life, god, goddess, source versus taking your reality into your own hands.