From Realisation to Rebirth

It took me a time to write this as it comes from my weakest, vulnerable wrinkle of being. Here I share how I am turning a harsh trigger into a key to unlock my treasure chest (my heart).

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I ended my last share with below words, which asked for a continuation:

You can´t change other people´s perceptions of yourself.

For someone like me who dreads being misunderstood, this is a death sentence.

And also the key to rebirth.

Dare me... on how I dare myself

How can I use my biggest fear as a key to rebirth?

I recognise it.

I accept it.

I express it.

*And I don´t let it govern my actions any longer*

Fear tends to freeze me, at least externally. Internally my thoughts get louder, self-destructive and haunt me for days.

I get stuck in a drama loop, my mind repeats everything that was said, sulks, justifies, highlights why I should be angry and as soon as I am frustrated enough to do something about it, fear returns with an anxious knot and has me spiral inside again.

A beautiful reminder spoken by Diana Hansen helped to open a portal (@dianamagick please join Substack):

In the presence of fear the question is not how can you be secure.

The question is: how can you be a conduit for more awareness?

Because in its core, fear is always somehow rooted in the need for survival and coping strategies to avoid suffering.

Often experienced through fear of abandonment, resentment, change, loss, rejection, judgment or fear of failure. Therefor security is always threatened and we can safe ourselves a lot of energy by not trying to hunt it down. It would be like Rhiannon, calmly riding in the distance but never to be reached. Unless you ask her the right question.

So I started to ask myself:

What am I truly afraid of?

Underneath the story that triggered the shit out of me.

What I found was the key that unlocked my chest.

Let me give you some context: I get triggered when someone insinuates to some extend that I did something wrong - not in all scenarios, some I am totally cool about because it´s not the area in life that is connected to my fear, but when it comes to certain people, and circumstances it can hit deep.

Like when I am grateful for someone, I often feel in dept and as if I owe something. Even if the favour was returned, energetically I am spellbound through my own inner child that hooked onto a dependency dynamic.

Now, that this dependency is established - even only in my mental and emotional body - it becomes a threat of survival to loose this person´s favour.

Instead of going more into the surface story of it all or where it could come from and ladelada, I actually wanna dig into the pain point and release it.

So I ask myself the important question of:

Why am I afraid to loose this (or any) person´s favour?

Because I somehow placed them on a pedestal, and gave them power over me in some way (as a protector, or benefactor, or connector etc), it would mean to not have whatever they granted me with.

Why am I afraid of this? What would happen if I loose their favour/friendship/connection?

Well, if this person doesn´t like me - or even worse, misunderstands me and builds up a reputation in their head, they might spread rumours. Which really are often simply their own perceptions of stories, which we are all entitled to have. Yet it scares me, if a version isn´t representing me well.

Why is that?

Because if someone things oddly about me and tells their stories, someone else might think wrong about me as well, and more and more people might follow until I am surrounded by community that have “conspired” against me.

Why is that scary?

Because I would feel powerless as I am well aware that we cant change other peoples minds once they made up their mind, without their willingness.

And Why am I afraid to be powerless?

Because underneath it all, a part of me thinks, that I can only be safe and successful when those around me grant me safety, success and belonging.

boom.

• I placed my QUALITY OF LIVING AND BEING in other peoples hands.

• I make my OWN life dependent on other people

• I AM AFRAID TO LIVE MY LIFE FULLY ON MY TERMS and end up people pleasing or hiding/shying away from expressing myself fully

---

Back to the witch hunts

There was a time, during which, if you got accused of being a witch - in some cases without any proof, simply by reputation or others perception or dislike of you - you could end up being exiled. Or worst case scenario: burned at the stake, thrown into a body of water and drowned, hanged or other cruel life ending sentence could have been passed.

Generational trauma, anyone?

Maybe. (Just in this moment, Mogly, my brother´s black cat, jumped onto my lap like the witchy symbol I was waiting for).

Black Cat and Incense with Cacao

It doesn´t matter too much to me WHERE the fear, tight chest and shivering shoulders come from but what I can learn from it. And I want to focus on what I can do, to take my life into my own hands again. Without anxiety attacks by the mere assumption of someone else´s perception of me.

Knowing that my worst case scenario is being called out for something I have (supposedly or actually) done wrong, I can hold myself through this fear and remind myself of my closest family and friends who stick with me through ups and downs, have seen me at my worst and gladly remind me that it is ok to be vulnerable, imperfect and not be liked by everyone.

Because I am safe now.

I now know, that am doing my best to live in integrity, kindness and love.

And I think, that in order to fully live, I am supposed to experience an abundant variety of feelings, challenges and resolutions.

This is just the rebirth

Now comes the awakening of senses, taking first steps and most likely stumbling numerous times before I fully embody my newborn sense of self without the residue of pain and past imprints.

But I have done this before.

I know from here, it´s simply practice.

Madonna and Child in a church ruin, next to a waterfall in the Black Forest.

I really liked about this statue that both mother and child are smiling. How beautiful to see them happy amidst the crumbled remains of catholic entitlement. Behind them, in the opening of the sunlit window, big trees are nature´s reminder that despite our effort, human constructions will fall, yet rooted systems persist.