Surprise, Surprise

My personal plot twist

Oct 21, 2024

Some of you know by now through hints and live reveals and now it is time to make it official. Because my slower writing pace due to exhaustion and nausea must be blatantly obvious.

I am pregnant!

I found out on the 5th of September, the morning i arrived in Dublin for the Book Launch of Rebel Ma: Women’s Stories for Liberation, within which pages my A Nymph’s Tale is published.

Now at the end of the second month my pregnancy glow has lost the fight against the discomfort of thinking about vomiting several times a day.

I announced my pregnancy at the book launch of Rebel Ma on the day I found out myself! IN DUBLIN

I honestly can’t remember it being that bad with Fynn. But then again, we had much bigger fish to fry back then and the exhaustion blended in with feelings of doubt, uncertainty, anxiety and worry. This time, we planned the whole thing in absolute and excited certainty, conception ceremony included. Feeling sick somehow wasn’t on my expectation list this time, as I naively thought it would not cause an internal conflict. Well, it doesn’t in the way I had one last time. However the need for rest - as much as I rationally know is needed whilst growing a heart and a brain - for longer periods of time than the usual flu takes, was a major identity issue.

Did you know, that there are cultures that don’t have a concept of morning sickness? They literally don’t know it exists.

To me this is proof of it being psychosomatic, something I believe all dis-eases are, especially as I progress further down my sovereign healing journey.

I can even tell you what the psychosomatic reason is: usually overwhelm (totally the case in my pregnancy Nr. 1), anger and/or identity conflict (also part of the reason in pregnancy Nr. 1).

I thought being aware of this surely would prevent me from experiencing at least a severe sickness but the more tired I got and the more additional dis-eases arrived I had to dig deeper. And I realised how strongly it is ingrained in us to be productive and even if we unconditioned from that (I worked hard the last years to do so and finally arrived at a great work-life-balance prior to conception) we usually lack the support system and become afraid to be a burden. Dare me, ask my partner AGAIN if he can take our toddler for another couple of hours so that I can sleep. Might be fine for a week or two but one, two, three months?

I quickly realised my fear of rejection surfaced as I felt more and more dependent on external support and the acceptance of my friends of family for being a) incapable of standing up more than 5 minutes, b) walking around the block whilst carrying my 2-year old and c) looking like I went to a dress rehearsal for the Adams Family every.single.minute.of.the.day.

And as soon as I voiced the fear of being a burden and faced my fear of being unworthy of such “prolonged” support my energy slowly returned. (Who decided that there isn’t a need for a first trimester support? I am creating one by the way with my Doula friend, so count on me if you are in that stage!). I still had days of utter exhaustion but I started to accept them myself and instead of trying to break or push through I took more rest unapologetically, surrendered and started flowing with the nausea instead of resisting it.

It’s incredible what transformation and healing we can set in motion if we actually listen to our bodies and follow their leads. One very clear sign recently was the nausea I felt every time I wanted to open the laptop to write. As soon as I picked up a book instead it was either completely gone or bearable again. Whilst my mind would tell me to finally send this newsletter and get an upcoming course prepared, I again surrendered. And started to trust. Trust that the right time will come and I will manage without doing it as I would prefer to.

One month to go until the second trimester starts, I can’t even believe it. So many big changes ahead, a move is in the cards for us and the adjustment of a new family member. I am honestly so excited to get back into writing, so many things I want to share with you and so many projects are brewing within! But this is it for today. Thank you for reading!

I needed to postpone the Grail of Avalon Masterclass as I was -surprise, surprise- resting, sleeping and walking for some fresh air instead.

The good news:

It will be available for free as part of an Online Summit to celebrate our book

Rebel Ma Rising

at the beginning or middle of November!
I will announce it as soon as I have the final date and time (and yes recording will be sent out here as well).