The waves are rushing against the shore,
initiating a tide of change within me.
Here are 6 minutes of ocean sound, so you can hear what I hear as I write what you read.
The last two days we got to spend in an apartment directly at the sea on the east coast of Italy, with a stunning sunrise above the ocean, visible from the bed directly through the balcony door. I am in awe. The sound is strong and soothing, the sandy colours and high pine trees expansive for my mind and the absence of tourists, due to off-season, recalibrating and inward-facing.
I had my first ever stand up paddle session with Paolo, partner of our airbnb host and passionate about surfing and barefoot walking.
My beloved Sean couldn´t hold back a tongue in cheek remark after observing us from the beach - where he played with our son Fynn, creating a huge sand snake - of how romantic paddle boarding looks like, serenely chilling on the water, boards clonking together.
It´s definitely a date I recommend having, however my view was blocked by an Italian beer belly and I would have preferred my British lean bean with his Legolas hair (he´s gonna push me into the water for this one, but it´s my little tongue in cheek revenge - plus, he is SO totally my type that I feel like its more making fun of me than him!).
Nevertheless, Paolo was exactly the person I needed to be with on this day, for this lesson. And here is why, break-through memo incoming:
I never stood on a paddle board before but could tell from many times observing people gliding on Scottish lakes, that I´d be an absolute natural at it and it most likely were to become my favourite sport (bear in mind, I don´t do sport) if I was to ever try it. 1
And as we were pushing the boards out on the sea, I got up on my knees and paddled myself strongly forward. It soon turns out, that my body is natural at it, but not my mind.
Standing up, the shaking board made me tense up, signalling a threat to my brain and had me freeze for a moment. I was determined to push through this initial reaction, breathe in and get up - but couldn´t. I got back on my knees, reconnecting to the sensation of ease and feeling safe, telling myself that I can just give it a try, the worst thing was to fall into enjoyably fresh salt water. A self fulfilling prophecy?
I dove up and swam to catch my board soon after, climbing up again like a wet dog compared to Paolo, whose body didn´t touch any drop of water from his ankles upwards. He shouted to me from ahead:
“Why don´t you trust yourself?”
I was a bit startled. He paddled closer to stop my board from floating away. As I climbed up I asked him to elaborate.
“You need to have more confidence. Your mind doesn´t believe that your body is able to keep you stable. You already stood on the board and decided to fall.”
Decided to fall? The way he said it completely hit me. Paolo described not only my physical distrust but also the deep subconscious doubt in myself, which I slowly started to unearth over the past months.
The second time I stood up whilst the board was not moving, unlike Paolo first instructed me to do, and managed to stay up. He said I seem to prefer getting up in stand still, whereas he prefers to get up whilst the boat is moving faster. I suddenly understood. It wasn´t wrong what I instinctively wanted to do, I just got confused by how he advised me to do it, thinking this would be the right or most professional way. I overran my body by letting my mind take the lead. When it was my body that should have been allowed to find its own way. No fall nor slip happened since.
Stay in your lane. Something that came up repeatedly in my work attitude recently, that I clearly struggled to embody. A part of me, long hidden yet never forgotten, kept surfacing in the most crucial moments. The moments when I could expand. The moments when a new chance appeared, a new horizon. The moments when I deconditioned belief patterns.
The road block comes, my consciousness tries to talk myself out of it rationally which makes me try too hard, forcing external change, while internally still no ease exists.
After standing on the ocean and struggling to relax my legs, I realised that I outsourced the control of my mind to my feet, signalling them to contract, grab, to hold on. (They still hurt for a whole day afterwards). It showed me how I compartmentalise my body because of an inherent, unconscious distrust in the overall holistic intelligence of impulses stimulating the right actions to flow with this new experience. Especially because it was a new experience, it was not to be trusted (says my mind) - when, really, there was no unknown movement nor unpredictable circumstance.
I trust my mind, I trust my feet, I trust my legs, I trust my arms - in certain activities, gestures, exercises - but trusting the connected intangible energetic senses, the life force that binds it all together, the Spirit that flows through it?
I trust the mycelium network, I trust the trees, I trust the flowers and the bees. But trusting their invisible relationship, the wholeness, the innateness and ripple effects?
I believe it. I think I even know it. There is plenty of science to back it up. But I don´t fully trust it. I don´t believe it is possible for me. Or so says my mind.
I think there is an inherent self worth piece here. A part that stopped trusting the higher (and deeper!) intelligence of the body. It must have started with my disease, shortly prior to puberty and my first bleed when I just turned 13. It is as if there has been a disconnect, a break in the red thread through which I since trained myself to function on either end of the spectrum and even (rationally) connected and glued together the string. What if it was, however, never broken? Still intact? The break is an illusion but the illusion so strong, so integrated, so embodied that I accepted it as truth.
“Just relax your legs” Paolo exclaimed with a big grin. “ Look, you can see Monte d´Intermesole from here. Don´t think, just enjoy the view”.
Have you ever been told by someone to just relax and not think? I have been multiple times, it must be the most common thing people have said to me throughout my whole life. And I am not rebellious in nature, I am a keen listener and take on what others say (as we know from the first fall). I research, ask more people, find out why they said it and how it is done. I gather knowledge, translate it in practical solutions and I keep talking to others and their experience and opinion. Until enough evidence is collected for me to rationally believe it. And enough motivation is assembled for me to put it into practice. I meditated, I breathworked, I danced, I journeyed with drums, rattles and psychedelics. I sat with Cacao. All of it gifted me a piece of the puzzle. But non of it was as eye opening and body shaking as this somatic experience, the piece that made the whole picture visible.
“Let´s rest, you can sit down and take a break” I´m grateful for the possibility to cool my exhausted legs in the water and pause from switching between mind control and finding flow.
As soon as I sat down, tears rolled down my cheeks and my whole body started shaking. It was as if shock released and grief, recognition and relief flooded my whole being.
33 years is a good time to wake up to the interconnectedness of all things. It´s also however with a taste of sadness that I have been slumbering for so long, from 13 to 23 under the influence of medication and from 23 to 33 under the influence of my mind. Let´s see what the next cycle brings when I hopefully wake up to even more beyond my understanding:
I had a brief exchange of thoughts on notes (Substack´s social media function) with
on my post about waking up and as I opened my suitcase later that day, a book (that I wanted to read for a while) fell into my hands: “The Sídhe” by John Matthews himself. Which I was completely immersed in on the days leading up to the stand up paddle lesson.“We never lost sight of this deep harmony of all living things, which are linked by the presence of Spirit in whatever way that may manifest. These things of which I speak are given to you in order that you may once again become aware of the true unity of all things - of yourselves and the worlds around you, of things both seen with your eyes and things seen by your spirit”
The Sídhe, John Matthews
Interconnectedness at its best. Thank you for the lifting the curse, thank you for the ocean, thank you for the people at the right time and right place.
I am currently writing a piece about the message of the Sídhe in the mirror of the teachings I received from the Spirit of Cacao through my own experiences in my publication if you are curious to take it further down the magic route.
With a smile,
Laura
Talking about interconnectedness, The Dragon Retreat opens its doors with a rising phoenix (early bird) price until Summer Solstice, my 24th birthday:
An enchanted fairytale retreat space, called Cae Mabon, created of storyteller and local legend Eric Madden, who will guide us through the myth rich landscape of waterfalls and lakes (expect to meet Merlin and the Lady of the Lake, at the very least on form through spoken words that will capture your imagination) in stunning Snowdonia, Wales, UK.
Guided by nature treasure guardians - the dragons - we will alchemise our ancestral wounds and limiting beliefs into pure gold and connect with the Spirit all around and within us.
Workshops on sacred leadership, mythopoetic and archetypal inner work and Arthurian storytelling for the season of Mabon, a celebration of Spring Equinox, shamanic journeys and ceremonies to foster relationship with the dragon beings and energies within us plus incredibly catered for food.
Expect to indulge in cacao daily, as both my co-facilitator Anita Brulee, a chocolate maker and ceremonialist and our guest speaker Marcos Patchett, author of “The Secret Life of Chocolate” will enrich our bodies, minds and hearts with knowledge, rituals and workshop (we each will make our own ceremonial dragon chocolates), and I will teach on the embodiment medicine of pure cacao and how it can be harnessed and shared in integrity.
To be totally honest (honesty doesn´t always work well for the flow of writing, hence why i footnote it here): My favourite sports will probably always be horse riding and archery. But similar to paddle boarding they are not a quick exercise for the road - I hope to one day settle close to someone who owns horses and is happy for me to help take care of them and learn how to shoot bow an arrow whilst galloping through the meadows.