Such an interesting thing to explore Laura, I love the fine levels of awareness this takes (as well as so many things right?)
I practice congruence far more with my child than with my partner. The dinner is ready thing has become like a subtle form of control ever since early months of dating when I realised he has no sense of time, so when I would say it’s ready in 5 minutes and he would arrive 30 minutes later, I would get so angry that I’ve now used the ‘it’s ready’ thing to make sure he isn’t ridiculously late to the table so I can avoid my anger about (what feels like) carelessness, but as you say it is incongruence and my body knows it, it doesn’t feel good to be tactical / dishonest in those ways.
Great observation and a powerful one!! I think you gave yourself a little therapy session in this comment: being tactical/manipulative leads not to him changing but to you being incongruent with yourself plus distracts from the actual core topic at hand. Have you ever voiced to him how it makes you feel as if he doesn’t care?
Also such a great reminder again how kids bring everything to the surface. Which can be uncomfortable but is such a big chance. No matter how much we tend to our children a certain way, if they still observe us acting differently with our partner they will ultimately safe this in their subconscious.
Oh I sure have! He just is that way with time and won’t change, hence my strategy to manage my anger about it! I grew up learning that punctuality is respectful, so in a sense I’m programmed to understand it as disrespectful even though it’s in no way personal or a reflection of his love.
I just read your little tech lesson, lovely seeing your comment pop up right after!
Thank you with a humble bow! Most credit goes to Fynn, as he truly is the teacher, plus I had all this come through whilst breastfeeding :) - it’s honestly life changing though, it’s been four years now that I am practicing the awareness on congruency or more so incongruent behaviour, and it’s honestly mad to observe. It’s as if our whole society is relying on us to be war torn within
Such an interesting thing to explore Laura, I love the fine levels of awareness this takes (as well as so many things right?)
I practice congruence far more with my child than with my partner. The dinner is ready thing has become like a subtle form of control ever since early months of dating when I realised he has no sense of time, so when I would say it’s ready in 5 minutes and he would arrive 30 minutes later, I would get so angry that I’ve now used the ‘it’s ready’ thing to make sure he isn’t ridiculously late to the table so I can avoid my anger about (what feels like) carelessness, but as you say it is incongruence and my body knows it, it doesn’t feel good to be tactical / dishonest in those ways.
Great observation and a powerful one!! I think you gave yourself a little therapy session in this comment: being tactical/manipulative leads not to him changing but to you being incongruent with yourself plus distracts from the actual core topic at hand. Have you ever voiced to him how it makes you feel as if he doesn’t care?
Also such a great reminder again how kids bring everything to the surface. Which can be uncomfortable but is such a big chance. No matter how much we tend to our children a certain way, if they still observe us acting differently with our partner they will ultimately safe this in their subconscious.
Absolutely, and therein lies the incongruence despite the congruence with her, it all matters, it all counts!
Oh I sure have! He just is that way with time and won’t change, hence my strategy to manage my anger about it! I grew up learning that punctuality is respectful, so in a sense I’m programmed to understand it as disrespectful even though it’s in no way personal or a reflection of his love.
"Acknowledge your incongruences" You are wise Laura. So many do nothing but put up barriers.
I just read your little tech lesson, lovely seeing your comment pop up right after!
Thank you with a humble bow! Most credit goes to Fynn, as he truly is the teacher, plus I had all this come through whilst breastfeeding :) - it’s honestly life changing though, it’s been four years now that I am practicing the awareness on congruency or more so incongruent behaviour, and it’s honestly mad to observe. It’s as if our whole society is relying on us to be war torn within